I remember feeling like suffering and pain were so profound. The instant the blade slid into my thigh, and the blood welled up around the metallic surface I breathed in the taste of agony. Feeling so alive as the blood ran down my leg and the knife fell from my hand. I’ve come much further since then, sliding the blade across my wrist just deep enough to tease the veins before I stop. When will the pain be enough? She slammed the door in my face, she spewed rage and hatred at me and shut me out of her life. The blade digs a little deeper. The serrated edge finding traction on the bone, as I cut too deep. The blood flows freely now, more than before. The beautiful crimson arcs through the air, painting the wall in abstract pain and hopelessness. I fall to my knees, witnessing pure unadulterated passion. This world bleeds into blacks and grays as the silky liquid runs from me.
There is noone else like me. The passive facade lies shallowly over my boiling aggression. Finding my comfort in those dark things that lie in the corners of the prolific poets mind. Scraping the blood from the granite and using the remnants as ink to pen my own story on the walls, writing dark soliloquies in my own blood and tears, and tasting the pain in each word as it flows from the pen. My kindness and love running in streams down the wall as the pen bleeds through, leaving traces of me in dark crimson rivulets trailing to the floor. These ink stains and hastily written words bare my soul, and ease the weight on my chest just enough to breathe. Find me in the puddles beneath my words, and remember me not as the puddle, but as the words I left scrawled on your heart.
My body is a testament to my life. Every scratch, scar, bruise, and broken bone a hard earned battle wound. I feel the ache and pains of my struggles daily and am reminded that I am still here to feel them.
Make me a coffin big enough for two. when she dies I will follow her into the next life, being an afterthought in her mind, and loving more than I thought possible. I have fallen into the web, struggling against the strong fibers as she moves forward to drink away my life. Take it all, you have earned it. Take every drop of who I am, every bitter taste of who I was. You deserve the happiness that you claim I can’t give you, no matter how much I try. I have always been 1 step below what you wanted, and 1 step above what I thought I could be. You changed me, you made me new. I taste you as you drink the last of me, my heart beating its last triumphant beat as you pull what’s left of me into you. Bury me in your coffin. Let me find solace in death, let me find happiness with you in some life. My beloved, my soulmate, my murderer. You are the last thing that passes through my mind as everything dims into the black. I love you, now and forever.
I struggle through faith, finding solace in hard won small victories, and moments of relief. Tasting the bitter taste of defeat more often than not, but refusing to quit. I am made for this life. My grit and pride always push me further than I should ever go, yet I stand tall in the midst of enemy arrows. I am cloaked in light and fight for nothing more than victory. Win or lose, I fought. Though the odds are stacked against me, I will struggle and emerge.
I’m sick, you have driven me into realms I had deemed never to travel. Your blame shifting and hatred have forced me to say things that werent true. You have driven me back into the shadows that I so painstakingly struggle to avoid, and i dont know that i can forgive that. I fight and fight and then find out you’ve given the enemy the high ground out of spite. You are the villain of my story, I can no longer see you as I used to see you. I wish I could, but you have killed me and broken me enough. I can lose no more, I can hurt no more, and I can fight no more. I will be my own now. I will follow the path into the light, away from the shadows you beg to be cloaked in. We both died on that day. The difference between us, is that one of us chose the high road while the other chose the low. Goodbye, dear soul. You take with you my heart, but I will find a new one.
It’s as if I were a fictional character, written into the story of your life. Once a main protagonist alongside you, but then erased. My pages ripped from your book in violent tearing and screaming. I feel my past being torn to ribbons, as you light the corresponding confetti ablaze. It’s as if I were nothing more than filler. An easily added character to help you through the writers block and uninteresting chapters of your life. I’ve been deleted and removed with no more than a harsh word and unanswered phone calls. My character hasn’t even died, it’s been replaced. I have been left in the shadows of your dusty notebooks and journals, to be forgotten and unfinished.
I stand at a fork in the path, right or left, night or day, light or dark. My own death replaying over and over in my mind, leading me into a strange place. A place I have yet to wander. I stand here, hoping that my choice will be wise and not foolish. The light shines on my face as I turn toward the sun and begin moving. Its warmth overshadowing my depths of sorrow and loss. I am now new. So I will choose a new path. I will walk into the light and hope my decision was wise.
It turns out that falling isnt the worst part. It’s the impact as you hit the ground, that really gets you. I felt my everything shatter, I felt my blood burst forth from every scratch, gash, and wound. I lay there with my pieces in pieces around me, feeling every bit of the pain. Then You knelt down and started putting me back together. Stitching me back together differently, and leaving out the things that didnt need to be there. I felt every stitch, I felt the hollow where the missing pieces were never put back. You have put me back together. Flesh, blood, and bone all in the right spots, but different somehow. Things taste different, my anxiety has seemingly flooded out with my blood across the pavement, being left there with no reason to put it back. I weigh 23 lbs less than I did when I fell, but now I’m beginning to finally feel hunger pangs. My heart aches, knowing that the three pieces that filled it may never be found. But You have filled the void with Yourself. Leaving me feeling entirely different. You put me back together, and now I’m different.